Looking frail and scarecrow-thin, his voice whispery and hoarse at times, former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio sat onstage in a gold lamé empire-style chair. And he remained there for most of Friday evening at the Fountain Hills Community Center as several hundred fellow alter kockers and rogues of all stripes ate a free meal of pasta with meatballs and celebrated Arpaio’s 94th birthday.
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Highlights of the evening included an Elvis impersonator, who serenaded the crowd with muffled versions of “The Impossible Dream,” “See See Rider” and “Burning Love,” among other ditties covered by the King of Rock n’ Roll. There was also an appearance by wizened mob enforcer and serial killer Sammy “The Bull” Gravano, who gifted Arpaio a bronze bull statuette and made the sheriff an honorary member of the mafia. Disgraced former politicos — including former Rep. Trent Franks and former state legislator David Stringer, both with troubling sex allegations hanging over their heads — were also on hand to pay their respects.
Arpaio, who stood to accept Gravano’s gift, praised the erstwhile mob boss for turning state’s evidence back in the day to help convict his mentor in crime, John Gotti. Gravano took time to explain to the crowd that the 19 murders credited to him were “the same thing to me as being in the military, same thing as being a cop.” He got a round of applause when he announced that, despite the hits, he was now a Christian and knew that Jesus had forgiven him for his homicidal transgressions.
Seated at the same table as Phoenix New Times and former Republican gubernatorial candidate Christine Jones, Gravano kvetched about a recent New Times piece concerning a sexual harassment lawsuit filed by a former employee of his production company, who claims Gravano forced his tongue down her throat without her consent and made jokes about his penis. Gravano denied the allegations, but declined to comment on the dirty details of the complaint.
Arpaio also took to his feet to croak out a version of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” in a duet with an unknown woman who, unlike Arpaio, could actually carry a tune. Arpaio also accepted a letter of birthday congrats from President Donald Trump, who pardoned Arpaio in 2017 for a criminal contempt-of-court conviction in the ongoing Melendres civil rights lawsuit, which has cost Maricopa County taxpayers more than $250 million at last count.
Read by Arpaio’s aide-de-camp Kevin Decuyper, a local wackjob known for his white nationalist pronouncements, the letter praised Arpaio for his “toughness and no nonsense” stance on “law and order” and said it was “fitting” that both Arpaio’s birthday and Trump’s birthday fell on Flag Day, June 14. Arpaio thanked the non-present president, noting that Trump had kissed him two years ago at a Turning Point Action rally in Phoenix. He joked that he hadn’t had a kiss since then.
Kavanaugh the Comedian
Interestingly, the hottest act of the evening was not Gravano or Elvis, but state Sen. John Kavanaugh, on a break from a marathon legislative session, which didn’t end till much later that evening. Kavanaugh did his best Don Rickles impersonation, reprising his role from a 2014 roast of Arpaio while the latter was at the height of his power and notably fleshier.
Working sans snare drum, Kavanaugh, who never met a microphone he didn’t like, recycled a few jokes at Arpaio’s expense from 2014, like one that drew major heat from mavens of “political correctness,” as it was called at the time.
“I don’t want to redo the entire roast and get myself crucified again,” Kavanaugh cracked. “But I did one about Joe where I said it was at a dinner. And I said, ‘Well, a Muslim waiter came up to Joe and said I can’t serve you because I don’t serve swine.’ Clearly a joke against Sheriff Joe, right?”
Some Muslim-Americans didn’t dig it after it was reported, just as some Mexican-Americans disliked Kavanaugh’s one-liners about Mexican restaurant staff possibly spitting in Arpaio’s food. Though who could blame them for providing some extra seasoning, given that the sheriff’s office under Arpaio was found guilty in 2013 of widespread racial profiling and placed under the watch of a court-appointed monitor, whose oversight continues to this day.
Kavanaugh lamented that those bygone times were the “glory days of SB 1070,” the anti-immigrant legislation he helped pass that sparked massive protest rallies and a boycott of the state before much of it was gutted by the federal court. Kavanagh got off some other zingers at Arpaio’s expense, observing that Arpaio had the free event catered by an Italian restaurant.
“The truth is, Joe wanted originally to charge people to attend this event, but people said, ‘We’ll only pay to go to his funeral,” Kavanaugh wagged.
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Another good one, about being known simply as “Sheriff Joe”:
“You know you’ve reached the height of fame, where you are recognized by just your title and first name,” Kavanaugh said. “Chairman Mao, Col. Gaddafi and, perhaps most relevant to Sheriff Joe, Captain Kangaroo.”
Granted, some of those are last names, but it’s still funny, as was Kavanaugh’s jibe about the 81-year-old Gravano being Arpaio’s “one that got away.” “I think you can catch him tonight if you put on your orthopedic shoes and Sammy takes his off,” Kavanagh said.
Ba-dum-pa.
David Stringer and Satan
The evening flagged as Fountain Hills Mayor Gerry Friedel sat across from Arpaio for an impromptu Q&A, with Arpaio sometimes rambling incoherently about how his home overlooked Fountain Hills’ namesake fountain and the fact that the sheriff’s department is contracted to do law enforcement for the city. At least, that’s what New Times could glean of the conversation as the crowd grew restless and began talking amongst themselves. Earlier in the evening, Friedel read a proclamation naming June 14 “Sheriff Joe Arpaio Day” in Fountain Hills.
Friedel and Kavanaugh were the only current officeholders New Times spotted at the bash. But there were a number of tarnished “unelecteds” present, like Trent “You’re Havin’ My Baby” Franks. A former Arizona congressman, Franks resigned in 2017 after it was reported that he had approached female staffers asking them to be surrogate moms for him and his wife, reputedly offering one woman $5 million for the gig. Franks, of course, claimed the allegations were all false.
Also in the house was former Arizona state Rep. David Stringer, who resigned from office after a New Times investigation revealed that Stringer had been charged in the 1980s with multiple sex crimes in Maryland, including possession of child pornography. However, Stringer, an attorney known for making racist remarks, later beat a complaint to the State Bar of Arizona related to his past sex crime cases. And he has twice run unsuccessfully for Yavapai County Attorney in the GOP primary there.
Sitting up front near the stage was Anthony Kern, the former state senator infamous for being present at the Jan. 6 U.S. Capitol insurrection. Kern is also one of the 11 so-called “fake electors” whom Arizona Attorney General Kris Mayes is still attempting to prosecute for their role in an alleged plot to overturn the 2020 presidential election, despite setbacks in court. Kern also gained notoriety in 2024 when he led a prayer group speaking in tongues on the Arizona Senate floor.
As the event broke up, Arpaio successfully dismounted the stage without incident, where he told New Times that he was glad he hadn’t fallen during the evening — though at one point, it looked like he might. Arpaio introduced his son Rocco and daughter Sherry Boas, a former reporter for the Arizona Republic, whose husband, Phil Boas, once edited the paper’s opinion page, which remains on life support following widespread layoffs.
New Times remarked that Arpaio’s daughter and his late wife Ava seemed to be nice people, wondering how that happened despite the former sheriff’s reputation for being a hard-ass. Boas joked that she “got mom’s genes.”
New Times then couldn’t help but ask Arpaio what he planned to say to Satan when he saw him, given that he’s likely closer to meeting El Diablo than most. Arpaio didn’t understand the question until Satan’s name was spelled out for him. “You know the guy with the horns,” New Times told him, close to his ear.
“I don’t get involved with that,” Arpaio said, an apparent non sequitur unless he was referring to devil worship. He pointed up to heaven, noting that’s where his wife, who passed in 2021, was now residing. New Times could not help but agree, given that the sins of the husband usually are not visited upon his spouse.
New Times bid the sheriff goodbye, telling him that we’d see him at 95 … well, maybe.
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