Death. What’re you going to do? In a world of near endless division online and polarization in politics, it’s the one thing we mere humans all have in common (unless of course the hedge fund and tech bros figure out the secret to longevity and immortality of course). Last year 41,680 people died in Maricopa County alone, according to the medical examiner’s annual report. Thankfully, not a single person reading this story is included in that number – yet. There’s only so much you can do to prevent the inevitable. The grim reaper is coming sooner or later.
Read more Deporting at-risk migrants home could lead to persecution or torture
Enter Ron Crawford, a retired coroner. He’s worked in the death industry since the 1990s as an investigator, autopsy tech and autopsy manager. He was the guy who showed up when someone died unexpectedly. He’s seen it all — murders, suicides, accidents, you name it. Despite having a gallows sense of humor Crawford lived by a fierce code. No matter how the people he worked with died, or who they were, or what station they reached in life, he always treated them with dignity.
Now, he puts on shows for the morbidly curious called “Chat with a Coroner” where he demystifies death and walks the audience through death investigations from his career. He was one coming up on October 23 at the Arizona Science Center. His show is a reminder that life is fleeting, the next five minutes are not a given, and we really are just preoccupied bags of flesh that walk around that can be turned into minced meat in the literal blink of an eye. It’s also a motivator to not be the person who he and his colleagues have to clean up on the side of the road.
He has a few bits of advice for how to stay alive that he’s gleaned from his career. A lot of it is common sense but it’s the kind that easily get ignored in the hustle and bustle. .
Here’s our guide On How Not To Die Sooner Than You Have To (you’re welcome):
Rules of the road
This is one a lot you readers probably sometimes ignore given how much we Phoenicians spend on the road. Don’t – no matter how uncomfortable you are – put your feet on the dashboard when riding shotgun in a car. When you do that, you’re putting them on top of the airbag. If the airbag deploys in an accident, you’re not going to be saved by it. Instead, you and your legs will be royally fucked.
“I’ve seen shit that looked like a bomb went off,” Crawford said.
Another tip for all of you commuters out there. Don’t drive distracted. Driving distracted won’t just kill you, it will kill others. Crawford remembered one case that was the ultimate example of the perils of driving distracted. And the consequences were gruesome. The man decided it would be a good idea to a) drive, b) watch porn and c) masturbate. All at the same time.
“Hit a big rig,” he said.
Here’s another obvious rule of the road some of you might break in a pinch. Don’t do something stupid like miss your exit on the freeway and decide to back up in the far right lane to get back to it. You’d think that’s an obvious one, but it turns out it’s not. Crawford’s seen the aftermath three times.
“The results are all the same,” he said.
A few other ways to not die while driving: Always pause for a few seconds before starting to drive through an intersection when the light turns green or you might get hit by a red light runner. Do NOT drive while impaired. And impaired means as little as two puffs of weed or two alcoholic drinks (Phoenix, I’m looking at you!).
And don’t underestimate how lethal the road can be if you’re not the one behind the wheel. If you’re hoofing it or riding your bike, it’s good to assume that drivers cannot see you — ever. This especially applies at night. Get in your steps and walk the extra 50 feet to the crosswalk. It will lessen your chances of becoming minced meat.
Read more Disturbing bodycam footage reveals mauling of stroke victim with Pinal County police dog
Oh, and look both ways before you cross the street — please and thank you.
Home Alone 7
People die when they go outside (Crawford said his best advice to stay alive is to stay home) but staying home isn’t the secret to eternal life either. Many of the deaths in homes that he responded to during his career were murders and suicides. But the simpler, routine things nabbed people too, like medications.
Tylenol is more deadly than people realize. So don’t pop those pills like candy. Be wary of mixing medications, prescribed or not. Vicodin and Soma, a muscle relaxer, is a particularly common and deadly combo. Crawford estimates he would respond to two or three overdoses from that combination each month of his career.
Home improvement projects can be deadly as well because people decide to tackle the project alone or they cut corners. They use chairs instead of a step stool. Or they are too lazy to turn off the power to an electrical outlet when they really should.
“It happens,” Crawford said. “And it happens more often than not”
This applies when you’re not at home, too. Crawford remembered one case he had where a man was alone in a warehouse. He decided it would be a good idea to do some work with an electrical saw while standing on a ladder. The saw electrocuted him and he fell and died. He wasn’t found until a week and a half later. By then, Crawford said, he was “extremely decomposed.”
Don’t be an idiot
Not being an idiot is one of the hardest rules for your trusted team here at Phoenix New Times to follow. Swimming in the heat while boozin’ and taking some drugs sounds fun until someone drowns or passes out on the side of the pool and moulder there long enough to die from heat exposure. Jumping into a river at night (or any body of water) is a blast unless you don’t know how deep it is and crack your spinal cord.
A lot of the accidental deaths he responded to in his career could have been avoided. Sometimes he’d show up at a scene and wonder what they really thought the outcome would be.
“They’re dead,” Crawford said. “They’re not going to learn from it unfortunately.”
But you, Dear Reader, can. You still have a fighting chance, for a while at least.